For those well acquainted with my quirks and personality you know I am not a very affectionate person. I am not a hugger by any stretch but I understand the social convention of hugging friends, acquaintances and family at appropriate times. Don’t get me wrong I am devoid of all affection but I’m definitely not your touchy-feely type. It wasn’t anything personal against them, I just didn’t want to hug them.
So why am I sharing this with you. Well I have been in situations recently where I have not wanted to give someone a hug but felt obliged to. For example, you see someone you have not seen in a while and as a way to greet them you hug.
Over the years I have learnt that to refuse a hug is quite rude and most people don’t respond well to this. So I have been socialised to hug people even when I don’t want to as it causes less awkwardness.
It was something I had come to accept up until maybe a year ago when I started to read about consent. I know consent is a big topic and usually associated with sexual consent. But when you think about it consent is essentially asking for permission and does not just apply to bedroom activities. Don’t get me wrong it’s important in the bedroom but it does not end there.
Take the hug example, I have started with. No one would automatically think about this scenario and consent in the same breath. But what I am realising is that the biggest controversy around consent is that it is hard to prove. What I mean is how you know that someone has given you their consent?
I am not suggesting that we walk around asking for permission to do absolutely everything, because while this may be a solution it is impractical. But I think it is important to consider how you can give and check consent.
So for me in the hug scenario, what I realised is that, I am passively giving anyone I hug, but don’t want to hug, permission to hug me. I do this by not saying anything to them when they try and hug me.
As I have reflected on this I have realised that the only way for me to reinforce my right to consent is to say something. It’s simple I know but in practice can be awkward and uncomfortable. But the only way for someone to know that I am not okay to be hugged is for me to ask them not to.
The issue comes when I say that I don’t want to be hugged but am not heard. This is complex because how do I prove to anyone who was not there that I said I did not want to be hugged. It is my word against someone else’s.
I’m using the hugging example because I’ve experienced this with a hug but I’m sure you realise this can be applied to many different situations. Rape is one that I am sure comes to mind.
The reason I feel this relates to feminism is because in the “he said she said” stories often it is the men who are believed and the women who are not believed. Women in such cases are often blamed and they’re seen as “having drunk too much”, they were clearly “out for a good time” or the worst comment “a woman wearing [insert item of clothing] was clearly out for a good time”.
We are hopefully “woke” to the realities of privilege and in the “he said she said” cases male privilege wins almost every time.
Let me give you a recent example of this the news story: Irish rugby stars Paddy Jackson and Stuart Olding cleared of rape.
This whole debacle enraged me – to throw my opinion into the mix, because the whole case was biased. But alas, I won’t rant – well not on here anyway.
But what I realise is that, while for me, consenting to a hug and not wanting to tell someone I don’t want to hug them because it’ll be awkward is a difficult, what many women have to face is a lot more severe.
With the issue of consent, I see it as the patriarchal lesson I have been taught from birth that as a women whether I consent or not is not important because I am not heard. I know it’s a big one. So in my own way I am hoping to fight this sexist attitude and learn the lesson now.
I try and be as practical as I can when I write, so how am I going to do this: well, I’m pretty direct anyway but I am going to be more conscious and confident to say what I am okay with and what I am not.
For anyone else on the same wave length as me, please believe that if someone or something makes you uncomfortable you can be heard if you SAY SOMETHING!
It’s two sides of a coin so the same goes that if someone says tell you they are uncomfortable with something HEAR THEM!
Feminist Friday Says #FFS 