Being female is not a punchline

This week I come to you with a problem that I really want a solution to. I think feminist or not you will understand and relate.

Not too long ago, I was in a pub with some friend and heard several comments that insult women and their bodies in more ways than I care to know about.

So as not to be crass, I will not go into detail. The context was that I overheard a group of men talking about some women they were interested in or dating. They were discussing how to get these women to what they wanted.

The conversation included stating that women were weak and emotional when they have their periods and several jokes were made about this. For anyone who has ever experienced a period, or spoken to someone who has had a period, it is no laughing matter.

Another observation is that this group also swore like troopers and because of the content of the conversation I was very aware that the swear words they used related to the female form (that’s a whole other blog post in and of itself).

What bothered me the most is that there were casual remarks about needing to control their partners. Someone even joked about giving a woman a “good beating”. Lord have mercy on my soul, I gasped when he said this. Abuse is not joke.

The difficulty I had was that because I was not part of this conversation it was very difficult to challenge what was being said. I reacted, and if you know me you know my reactions are not small exclamations but these were not people I know well. I was just part of the group of people who had decided to get together in a pub.

I am not a shy and retiring character so challenging someone who has said something sexist is not usually too difficult. But on this occasion it felt near impossible.

At the time I have thought about interjecting and using the “ask why” technique I talked about in my Why can you not hear me? post when they referred to women on their period as emotional and weak. But I knew this would just cause an unproductive argument.

I also thought I could use repetition to try and highlight the absurdity of what they were saying. This would not have worked as their conversation was fast moving and by the time I had thought of how to expose their ludicrous thinking they were on to something else.

In hindsight I wonder whether I should have just dived in and been OK to have a non-constructive argument. But even as I think about it now I don’t have any practical ideas of how I could have challenged their sexist thinking.

Maybe they were joking and I fully acknowledge that humour can help people and society deal with a lot of the prejudice that exists. But I want to be proactive and be prepared for when sexism rears its ugly head.

I’ve been doing some research and there are some celebrities who have become absolute legends at being able to challenge sexism. It makes sense that they are because Hollywood and the entertainment industry in the UK are well known for the patriarchal foundations. I’m going to try and pick up some tips. So as inspiration here a good compilation of examples:

• Top 10 Celebs Who Shut Down Sexist Interview Questions
• 11 Times Stars Shut Down Sexist Comments

I’m storing up comebacks

When are you crying the sexism wolf?

Last week I wrote about how saying something sexist does not make you sexist. However, I may have given the impression that whenever someone says something is sexist you must passively accept it, and there ends the conversation. But that was not what I was trying to say and want to share with you my more proactive approach.

I have been thinking about this some more and think that sometimes people cry wolf and call something sexist that may not be sexist.

I have been in situations where I have been told that what I said was sexist. Thankfully this does not happen often but I’m always surprised when this happens.

For example, I described a professional woman as an “executive type” because she has very strong leadership and managerial skills and honestly she is a little intimidating. I was told this was sexist and at the time I accepted this but on reflection I don’t think it was.

The reason I don’t think it was is because it was not defamatory and I could objectively say this to a man or a woman.

This interaction made me think about the definition of sexism and what it means not to be sexist. When I asked Google, the commonly accepted definition of sexism is; prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex.

In practice, I think the key part of this definition is the assumptions. I think not being sexist means not attributing a quality (like being emotional, strong or quiet) to any particular sex. Instead I think it is about respecting people as people not based on their sex. How would you define sexism and how does it play out in the conversations you have?

As a feminist I get called overly sensitive all the time. This has made me consider how one can know when something is and is not sexist. So, I have come up with my own sexist stress test to check whether someone is crying sexist wolf. I ask the following questions to help me decide.

1. Is it derogatory? – If yes, could be sexist
2. Would I say that to a man (if speaking to a woman)? – If no, could be sexist
3. Would I say that to a woman (if speaking to a man)? – If no, could be sexist

For example, I was called emotional because I had a strong reaction to Trump’s “locker room talk”. And the truth is yes, objectively I had an emotional reaction. However, if I use my stress test and ask is this a derogatory comment; based on the tone of the conversation, yes it was a derogatory comment. I then ask, would the person making this comment say the same thing to a man, – I don’t think so.

Once I have gone through this stress-test, I can confidently challenge this as sexist.

I’d be interested to know how you know whether something is sexist or not as my stress test is not exhaustive by any means.

People cry wolf when it comes to sexism, no doubt. But part of the reason I started this blog is because I want to think of practical ways I can constructively challenge sexism and patriarchy.

I find this stress-test so helpful because it gives me some assurance when challenging something as sexist. The “stress test” is a work in progress that will hopefully mean over time I will be able to discern sexism and challenge it effectively.

Does a sexist comment make you sexist?

I had a really interesting conversation with a male friend of mine who has been reading the #FFS posts. He was refreshingly honest and said that he thought he might be sexist without even realising it, and having read these posts had to reflect upon how he treated the women around him. This has inspired me to write about what I think men can do if they realise they’ve said something sexist.

The first example was during a conversation with a good friend of mine we disagree about the role that international community plays when it comes to the development of African countries. Now if you know me you know I feel strongly about this topic. Anyway he calls me emotional and says I should calm down.

In response I ask him why being passionate about something makes me emotional? I am then pretty up front about the fact that if I was a man he wouldn’t see it as emotion. At the point I was gearing up to have the don’t be sexist conversation but to my surprise (and maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised) but he stopped and said:

“You know what you’re right. If you were man I wouldn’t have called you emotional. I take it back. It is sexist and I didn’t even realise it.”

That was it. No heated conversation about the fact that that was a typical example of everyday sexism. I was taken aback for second but then we carried on having a very interesting and lively debate about economic development in Africa. He is one of my dear friends and he has made me reflect. In particular, I reflected on the fact that I assumed having said something sexist he would continue to defend his sexist comment, but he didn’t.

For my second example let me give you some context. I have been in many group situations where I can see that there is no clear direction or organisation. My personality is such that in situations like this I take control and try help whatever team I am to work well. In most situations when I do this, I get called bossy, pushy, controlling and forceful.

I have had to call people out for this on several occasions. On one occasion I ended up organising a rounders game and one of the guys on the team turned around and said “well you’re bossy.” I was shocked and challenged him “what do you mean bossy? You mean assertive.” And he without any hesitation said:

“You’re right, I mean assertive.”

I was again surprised because we carried on and had a great game of rounders. I expected to have to duel with this guy’s ego but no, it was just an off the cuff comment.

______________

So to any man who may make an unintended sexist comment, that doesn’t make you sexist, to me how you respond does. The best personal advice I can give is if someone challenges anything you do as sexist, ask why but don’t be afraid to admit you said or did something sexist. That is exactly what makes you not sexist.

A seat at the table

Today I want to share the experiences of the people I know. I cannot tell you the number of stories I have heard from women who have experienced everyday sexism at work, with friends or family or just out and about on the street.

Let me tell you about someone I know, let’s call her “Clara”. She works in the city and in a very sexist industry. Her office environment and culture is male dominated and from what she tells me very sexist.

Clara and I were talking about her experiences and she said that in her office it did not matter if you were really good at your job and a woman. She gave the example that if there was a large event taking place, even if a female executive needed to be there, female senior managers were not invited. Objectively, this is strange.

What she said made it worse, was that on the rare occasion that an executive who is a woman was invited to attend an important event (which is sexist in itself), they were invited to take minutes. This did not happen to Clara but several woman in her office. Clara challenged this and knows of other woman who had similar experiences refusing to accept such an invite asking why they needed to take minutes. The explanation given was that they needed someone who understood the language and context to take minutes so they thought of said manager. Their attitude was that these managers should be grateful that they could attend the event at all. However, the men in Clara’s office were never treated the same way. They were simply invited and asked to attend.

This really shocked me because as a professional woman. I would not want to be in a working environment that assumes that the value female executives have, even at a senior level, is to provide secretarial support. When I spoke to Clara she was understandably frustrated by the working culture.

I tried to offer advice that focused on how to reassert one’s expertise such as:

• Suggesting that someone else in the team do this job
• Checking how this helps to achieve your professional objectives
• Questioning if you understand what they are asking you to do and stating that you’re confused.

However, this advice at an executive level may not be so helpful. If you are within the middle rungs of a company these could help to start point out the ridiculousness of such requests.

I hope this was helpful but if you remember I am aware that this is also a challenge and I discussed it in week 1: why can you not hear me?

The reason I wanted to talk to you about this is because I would love to have an arsenal of techniques I could use to constructively challenge sexist working environments.

I have no doubt that there are women who have had similar experiences and have successfully navigated sexist work cultures. There may also be men out there who have challenged sexist cultural norms and have ideas about how women can do this effectively.

Please comment below or email embraceyourwomanhood@gmail.com and I’ll collate all your thoughts and share them so we can all benefit from this arsenal.

So I don’t leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth, I want to share a good example I came across of a woman who has challenged sexist working environments – Sheryl Sandberg. She is an American technology executive, activist, and author. She is also the chief operating officer of Facebook and founder of leanin.org – definitely check this website out.

She also did a Ted Talk called Why we have too few women leaders that I think all professional women should watch.

Why can you not hear me?

Feminist Friday Says “Why can you not hear me?”

Let me paint a picture for you: a colleague asked the question – “When did the USSR fall – in what year?” I answered “1989”. Someone else asks, “When did the USSR fall?”. Again, I say “seriously, 1989”. I’m questioned by a separate individual who says “are you sure?” I say “Yes, I’m positive”. Someone else mentions a random date and there is an entire discussion for about 10 minutes about when the USSR fell.

I then ask “was I not clear, can you not hear me? I have just said 1989 and answered your question,”  – my comment is ignored. Another colleague joins the conversation and gives the same answer as me “1989”, and only then does everyone in the conversation start to consider that I may actually be right.

Naturally somebody takes to Google and types in the question, when did the USSR fall? To everyone’s surprise I was correct (I can hear the surprise in their tone of voice and see it on their faces).

It’s not a deeply profound example but why were they surprised? During the conversation, I explained that I had studied international history and knew what I was talking about. But I was not believed and my expertise was not accepted. To try and call out what I felt was casual sexism I had even asked “was I not clear, can you not hear me?” I did this in a fun and jokey way because I was aware of making the situation awkward.

To some, this may not seem like casual sexism and maybe I am being overly sensitive. But let me give you some context: on countless occasions, I have said something and for whatever reason it is not believed. However, when someone else has said the exact same thing it is accepted. This has become a situation that I face weekly.

For me this example speaks to a pattern I have observed, where what I have said is not taken seriously and whether I have any expertise in the subjected discussed, is ignored. The reason I see this as casual sexism is because the common dominator is that I say something and then another man says the same thing but the answer is attributed to the man and not me.

So what can I do about this now? Honestly, it’s made me really think about the fact that I cared too much about what people thought in that situation. I should have challenged the assumption that I could not have been right.

Out of interest, what would you have done?

A friend of mine gave me a great tip – she said just keep asking why until it becomes so obvious how unreasonable it is that what I have said is not accepted, but when someone else says it, it is fine.

Basically it would look something like this:

Me: Was I not clear, why can you not hear me?

Male colleague: *Ignores my comment*

Me: *Calls them by name* Why don’t you think my answer is correct?

Male colleague: It doesn’t sound right?

Me: Why? I know that it is 1989.

Male colleague: It can’t be right? Let me ask someone else.

Me: Why can’t it be right?

Male colleague: I just don’t think it is 1989. *Asks someone else*

Me: Why, I have told you the date.

Male colleague: I just don’t believe it’s 1989. *Asking someone else* Hey, when did the USSR fall?

Other Male Colleague: 1989.

Male colleague: Mmm, 1989?

Me: So is there something about me saying it 1989 that makes it not right?

Male colleague: No, not at all. Let me google it. *Googles it and it’s 1989*

Me: So why didn’t you believe me?

I think you get the point – it becomes unreasonable not to accept the right answer from me but to believe it from someone else.

But back to the point – in future, I am going to try and challenge people when they assume I don’t know what I am talking about but a man who says the same thing does. It’ll be awkward no doubt but I can live with that.

Side note: I won’t just be talking about interactions I have with men – I know women can be sexist too. I’m not trying to add to the stereotype of a feminist as a man hater. That’s not what I’m trying to do here.