Women driving – a win for feminism?

Guess what? Women in Saudi Arabia are now legally allowed to drive. The law changed on June 24 and is seen as a triumph by many Saudi activists.

The move to change the law to allow women to drive began in 1990. You may have seen pictures on social media of police officers giving out flowers to female drivers and fathers giving their blessing. There was quite an event surrounding the lift of the driving ban for women.

When midnight hit, a group of women who had been granted licences started their engines. Some with fathers or brothers alongside, and others in new cars bought for the occasion. Several women shouted with delight. Others cried, and many more took videos of their first time at the wheel.

This legislative change is seen as the last remaining ban of its kind and for the activists who campaigned for this change, the fight was not without it’s challenges.

At least 3 out of 11 of the people linked to the Saudi women’s-rights movement were detained as part of a broader crackdown in May. Several women were targeted in a “smear campaign” on social media and state-linked media outlets, accusing them of being traitors to the state and collaborating with “foreign entities.”

I did a bit of research to try and see if this was the full story and interestingly, the media event that showed the support for the ban lifting, did not give the impression that the Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman is not so keen on free speech.

I was so excited when I saw that women in Saudi Arabia finally have the legal right to drive. In my eyes women driving shouldn’t be a big thing or a triumph. But I saw this shift as representing a change in attitudes and perspectives across different cultures, especially in a country and in a culture that is often perceived as oppressing women. I really felt like it was a win for the feminist movement. But my perspective was not shared by a lot of activists and writers.

The more I looked into this, the more I realised that while this is a win, the war continues. In Saudi Arabia, women are still not allowed to do the following:

1. Make major decisions without male permission
2. Wear clothes or make-up that ”show off their beauty“
3. Interact with men
4. Go for a swim in public
5. Compete freely in sports
6. Try on clothes when shopping

Source: The Week

While these 6 restrictions to the freedom women have, make it clear that equality is a fair way off, I think they also provide a lot of context. Let me break it down. A few days ago, the fact that women were unable to drive would have been on the list too. However, that is not longer a fight women in Saudi Arabia have to face.

The Crown Prince in Saudi Arabia is promoting himself as a reformer and wants to be seen as a progressive leader. I reckon that feminists and activists in Saudi Arabia and internationally can take advantage of this. Yes, the lack of free speech will be a barrier and I don’t make light of that. My point is that in the context of Saudi Arabia this is a win. For all women there but for the feminist movement at large which supports and promotes gender equality.

To use the war analogy – war is won not all in one go but it is won one battle at a time.

Why Hate the Angry Feminists

After the last blog I wrote, a friend said to me that while she can understand that feminism helps me to understand the world, for her it makes her angry because she can see how pervasive patriarchy is.

This got me thinking about the perception that a lot of people have of feminists. I asked some friends what their perception of feminists were and they said feminists are “shouty” and loud. They are “overbearing” and “preachy”. I did some superficial research and when you type in angry feminist into Google the results are very extreme. Images of the Russian rebels Pussy Riot and punks with colourful hair, who appear to hate authority and structure.

I’ll be honest, sometimes I can be an angry feminist but I’m not sure that is a bad thing. Let me explain why:

I had a conversation with some friends and I asked them why they are not feminists. They said, “because you guys are a lot.” I was surprised and asked what they meant. They said that for them feminism is only about promoting the rights of women and that they would call them an “equalist”.  You won’t be surprised to know what I explained that feminist is about equality between the genders but anyway, the conversation moved on to discuss how feminists are perceived.

The words they used to describe feminists was “aggressive”, “in your face”, “opinionated”. I was shocked and asked them if that is how they perceived me. They said no, not feminists like me but most.

I am in a fortunate position in that I have met many feminists and maybe I am biased but I would not perceive any of them to be this way. My experience is that women who openly claim to be feminists are articulate and are upstanding members of society.  I know this is a sweeping generalisation, but I have not met many of the “angry” one’s. I

do wonder why women being seen as feminists is so negative. Especially because when men are described in the exact same way the connotations are very different. I don’t know maybe I am the “angry” feminist and no one wanted to say it to my face? That aside, I feel like patriarchy has done a good job of tarnishing the name and image of a feminist.

I always want to be as practical as possible so I was reflecting on how I could have communicated the fact that feminists are not angry and aggressive and I came across the following examples:

1. It is unreasonable to see all feminists as angry or aggressive because it plays on a stereotype and is sexist. It like saying all black people are rough or “ghetto”. It’s racist and true.
2. Saying all feminists are angry is not based on fact because no universal survey has been done on all feminists asking them about their emotions and feelings to establish this. (To condescending – the irony that this may come across as angry!)
3. Having an emotion alongside is objectively not a bad thing. Anyone, in almost any context can be angry and hold a political or social view. You can have angry liberals or angry conservative, that’s not objectively a bad thing.
4. Even if you disagree and think all feminists are angry,  why is tat a bad thing? Women live in a world where they have been denied political, social, economic and religious power, why shouldn’t they be angry.

I don’t know if these are helpful for you but as over the years I have had conversations like these often I found it useful to spend the time to think about how I would respond.  Hopefully now I will be more prepared. I would love to know what your responses would be.

To end on a positive note, here are some of my favourite feminists for anyone to reference when dispelling the myth of the “angry” and “aggressive” feminist:

• Maya Angelou
• Bell hooks
• Malala Yousafzai
• Chimamanda ngozi adichie
• Roxane Gay
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• Angela Davis
• Coretta Scott King
• Yoko Ono

The Movement is Strong!

Does feminism explain the world around us?

I find myself having very interesting conversations since I started writing this blog. Not too long ago, a friend said to me that they don’t think Feminism is important and that they will never describe themselves as a feminist because it does not explain the world. They said that as a theory it does not help us to understand each other nor a political framework. This got me thinking, does feminism explain the world around me and does it need to?

To give you some context, I started describing myself as a feminist before I understood the perception a lot of people have of feminism. I was a feminist because I believed it to be a theory that recognises the imbalance of power between men and women. This is still the case and having studied feminism I am more convinced of this.

But I know for a lot people their worldview or theoretical understanding needs to be around a concept that explains the world around us. For a lot of people feminism does not do this, but for me it does. But let me explain why and give you some context.

I talked about how faith and feminism can come together in last week’s post and I have a scenario that took place in church a while back that may explain to why I think feminism explains the world around us.  I ended up having a conversation with a stranger about how men and women in a church should relate and how some roles are better suited to men rather than women and vice versa. FYI I’m not going to get into the should women be leaders in the church debate – that is a post for another time.

Their view was that women are naturally more caring and nurturing. They are mothers and wives and so should be responsible for hospitality and teaching the children in the church Christian values. I don’t have an issue with women who want to help with hospitality and Sunday school but I don’t want to feel that is my place or role in church. While I love children and I’d describe myself as friendly, this is not me.

So where does Feminism come into this?

Feminism has taught me that I don’t need to accept other people’s perspectives and ideas of what I should do and be based on my gender. What does that mean in practice? Well, it means I can respectful disagree with the stranger I had a conversation with and feel confident enough to challenge why I am qualified to do some things and not other based on my gender.

Seeing things with a feminist lens, I think, makes me more open-minded and I feel I can understand that their perspective of the roles men and women have in society is based on the gender norms that they have been taught. I am using some flowery, language here I know, but bear with me. What I am getting at, is that I feel freer seeing the world from a feminist perspective. I can see how power whether in church, at work, in politics or even on TV makes society a restrictive place that encourages some while criticising others.

I am aware that I am in danger of being arrogant and assuming that most of the world around me is not as woke and doesn’t fully see the feminist perspective – this is not my intention. What I am saying is that in reality, not feeling bound to restrictive gender norms is so empowering. It is also so helpful because as a ethnic minority, black, female living in the UK I am less angry at the world around me because I can see the patriarchal forces at play and I can choose to opt out.

Do feminism and faith mix?

#FFS is back! Sorry guys, I’ve been MIA during the month of May. But it is June and I have been thinking about and sourcing some new content. Today I want to talk about how feminism and faith interact – disclaimer I do not speak for or represent all feminists of faith, obviously.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently and they asked me how I can be a Christian and a feminist. Funnily enough, I also had a parallel conversation where I was asked how I can be a feminist, when I was in church. What it made me realise is that for a lot of people the two are completely separate, mutually exclusive, oil and water. BUt even more so both labels per se have very strong associations (what can I say, I am a strong-minded person).

But in all seriousness, I have been thinking about how being a person of faith and being a feminist relate. The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because faith shapes many of our values, beliefs and how we live so I think it’s important to think about what the bible, qua-ran, Torah or Tripitaka say about women.

As a Christian I can only reference the Christian faith. I have often wondered how I can be a Christian and a feminist myself. Especially when I read 1 Tim. 2:11-12, 1 Cor. 14:34-35. These verses I’ll be honest I do not understand and they frustrate me. The feminist in me has a critical eye open and I am seeking to understand what they mean, how they are relevant and in what context they relevant. In truth, I cannot profess to have all the answers by any stretch.

In the same vein, I believe in the fundamental equality of human beings. Not the sameness but their equality and the beauty in that diversity. I sound like a hippie, I know but I kind of am one. I believe we all have an innate value and that our worth or capability is not dictated by our gender. That’s one of the reason I am a feminist and interestingly my faith informs those beliefs.

It’s complicated. And I have considered how feminism also interacts with cultural values and norms, how it may be relevant. I also thought about whether feminism is an unhelpful political construct. All that being said what I think is important is being able to trash out the concept of feminism. That way I can be confident that I have not blindly chosen to be a feminist but have made and continue to make an informed decision.

Is Feminism about choice?

In the last 2 weeks I have witnessed several Twitter discussion or wars rather, where the discussion relates to the choice that some women choose to make. Whether that be to focus on a career, get married and have children, be a stay at home mom or a working mom, it seems feminism is about the right to choose. This makes sense on one level but is also very simplistic. I did some research to see what other views were out there.

First Perspective: No, feminism is not about choice

The researcher and writer Meagan Tyler, is of the opinion that thinking about feminism in terms of choice is limited because it assumes that women have a lot more unmitigated freedom than exists in reality. She explains that these choices are shaped by the world around us and real choice can only come about in a “post-patriarchal world”.

Second Perspective: Why Feminism is about choice

The aspiring writer, Tori Shaw, breaks choice down to be; yes, it is okay to be a wife and yes, it is okay to have children and yes, it is okay to enjoy cooking and those things don’t take away from your feminist belief or perspective. She says that what is not okay is the expectation that one must be a domestic goddess because of your gender.

Maybe for you what feminism is and is not is not important and you see yourself as someone who believes in equality. That’s great! I don’t want to sound like a feminist evangelist but I feel like I am about to, so bear with me.

What does this have to do with me?

The reason I started thinking about this and think knowing whether feminism is about choice or not is important is because I think it challenges or supports the idea that women can have it all.

Some women won’t like me saying this but honestly I think the idea that we can have it all is an unhealthy perspective. Why? Because why are women expected be mom’s, career women, domestic goddesses, have every “i” dotted and every “t” crossed. Men don’t have these expectations. Granted they face the challenges of toxic masculinity but that’s another blog post for another time.

I think this unrealistic expectation is linked to the idea that feminism is about having or making a choice because there is the assumption that if you have more choices, you can make not just one, but many. It’s a lot.

I am also conscious of the fact that from where I stand, viewing feminism as a choice is unhelpful because it suggests that as a woman, when the world turns on you, it is not because of misogyny and sexism. It’s also not down to the pay gap, entrenched gender roles, women’s lack of representation in corporate companies and boards or in parliament, or because of an epidemic of violence against women. Instead it’s because you made the wrong choice – unhealthy no?

Maybe this is too much and you don’t agree? I am not saying you need to agree with me. The reason I wanted to write about this topic is because I am all about making an informed choice (see what I did there – irony). Knowing why you see feminism as a choice or not.

I used to see feminism as being about choice but don’t anymore because I started to feel that I should not have to choose and have either choice be judged by society. For example, when I’ve said I am considering focusing on my career and not children someone has said to me:

“Will you care about your career when you’re old and alone?”

On another occasion, I have said I wanted to have more than 4 children and the comment was:

“That would be the end of your career – and you have so much potential”

My issue with this is that when a man chooses to spend time with his children over his career, he is praised and when a man is ambitious and career driven, he is praised. Do you see where I am going with this? This is not the case for me and informs my view that feminism is not about choice.

Let me leave you with this – if feminism is about choice then have we been conditioned to accepted some choices over others?

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If you’ve read this far, thank you. I went a little ham on this post and yes, had a definitive opinion – but didn’t you know feminist’s were opinionated (that was a joke by the way). Everyone needs a little light comic relief when discussing such topics.

Is infidelity sexist?

In recent months, I’ve realised that the world around me tells me that adultery, is the norn. How, you may ask? Well pretty much all my favourite TV shows  have a story line on adultery and in some cases they encourage it. Which shows you ask? – Scandal, the goodwife, how to get away with murder, orange is the new black.

All these influential TV shows feature infidelity, cheating and being unfaithful – whatever you want to call it. And don’t get me wrong I am a huge scandal fan! But I have started to realised that the world around me depicts more and more being cheated on as a normal part of relationships. For anyone who does not watch scandal don’t skip the next paragraph even though the example I am about to give is scandal related.

I am an Olivia Pope fan, through and through! But I conveniently forget that she is the “other woman” and has had a relationship with several married men including the United States president Fitzgerald Grant III. But Fitz’s wife Millie, is then depicted in a negative light, as a desperate, undesirable woman who is clinging to the presidential life she envisioned for herself. This is disturbing.

But interestingly at the same time, your typical “RomCom” also feeds us the propaganda of a blissful. effortless relationship that gives you the happy ever after. We all know this is not true and every couple I know in a successful long-term relationship has said it takes time, effort, commitment and communication.

I started thinking about this because a friend asked if we will ever live in a world where we can trust each other and adultery isn’t a thing. I recognise that for some the idea of monogamy is outdated and unappealing. But whether you’re monogamous or polygamorous I have observed that time, effort, commitment and communication are still vital.

What is my point – my point is that when it comes to adultery (in a heterosexual relationship anyway), often the conversation is around one woman being desirable and the other being desperate. My question is where are the men in this conversation? This is not to tarnish men in general at all, but the society we live in seems to tarnish women involved in infidelity but not men and the feminist in me cannot understand this.

Let me break it down further and give an example, a middle-aged married man cheats on his wife of 15 years with a slightly younger women. Society perceives this man to have “scored”. However, anyone in conversation with the slightly younger women would say you deserve better or they ask the question if he’ll leave his wife for them. These are conversations I have witnessed.

I guess my frustration is with the fact that in a conversation like this men committing adultery have a “bragging right” but for women experience shame. Please note: I’m not commenting on the adultery itself, as I have my own strong opinions on this but what I mean is, why are women more likely to be shamed and judged.

I referenced TV programmes and specifically, American one’s, despite being based in the UK, because American television is pervasive and can be found on TV screens across the globe. I love my British my TV but it’s reach is not the same. I don’t think anyone can deny that these American TV shows have shaped culture and perspectives on relationships and adultery and I am more and more conscious of this indoctrination.

The goal of this blog is to think practically about how to fight everyday sexism. But in relation to attitudes towards adultery, the most practical thing I feel I can do is be aware of the bias against women. In a society that has very confused perspectives on healthy relationships, in my view, I think I can only choose not to shame women over men when I hear of adultery. Because as my friend and I discussed adultery has become a normalised consideration in relationships.

As always I am processing, learning and unlearning a lot – if you have any ideas of how to challenge the sexist perception of adultery then let me know – I am open to suggestions!

Do I have your permission?

For those well acquainted with my quirks and personality you know I am not a very affectionate person. I am not a hugger by any stretch but I understand the social convention of hugging friends, acquaintances and family at appropriate times. Don’t get me wrong I am devoid of all affection but I’m definitely not your touchy-feely type. It wasn’t anything personal against them, I just didn’t want to hug them.

So why am I sharing this with you. Well I have been in situations recently where I have not wanted to give someone a hug but felt obliged to. For example, you see someone you have not seen in a while and as a way to greet them you hug.

Over the years I have learnt that to refuse a hug is quite rude and most people don’t respond well to this. So I have been socialised to hug people even when I don’t want to as it causes less awkwardness.

It was something I had come to accept up until maybe a year ago when I started to read about consent. I know consent is a big topic and usually associated with sexual consent. But when you think about it consent is essentially asking for permission and does not just apply to bedroom activities. Don’t get me wrong it’s important in the bedroom but it does not end there.

Take the hug example, I have started with. No one would automatically think about this scenario and consent in the same breath. But what I am realising is that the biggest controversy around consent is that it is hard to prove. What I mean is how you know that someone has given you their consent?

I am not suggesting that we walk around asking for permission to do absolutely everything, because while this may be a solution it is impractical. But I think it is important to consider how you can give and check consent.

So for me in the hug scenario, what I realised is that, I am passively giving anyone I hug, but don’t want to hug, permission to hug me. I do this by not saying anything to them when they try and hug me.

As I have reflected on this I have realised that the only way for me to reinforce my right to consent is to say something. It’s simple I know but in practice can be awkward and uncomfortable. But the only way for someone to know that I am not okay to be hugged is for me to ask them not to.

The issue comes when I say that I don’t want to be hugged but am not heard. This is complex because how do I prove to anyone who was not there that I said I did not want to be hugged. It is my word against someone else’s.

I’m using the hugging example because I’ve experienced this with a hug but I’m sure you realise this can be applied to many different situations. Rape is one that I am sure comes to mind.

The reason I feel this relates to feminism is because in the “he said she said” stories often it is the men who are believed and the women who are not believed. Women in such cases are often blamed and they’re seen as “having drunk too much”, they were clearly “out for a good time” or the worst comment “a woman wearing [insert item of clothing] was clearly out for a good time”.

We are hopefully “woke” to the realities of privilege and in the “he said she said” cases male privilege wins almost every time.

Let me give you a recent example of this the news story: Irish rugby stars Paddy Jackson and Stuart Olding cleared of rape.

This whole debacle enraged me – to throw my opinion into the mix, because the whole case was biased. But alas, I won’t rant – well not on here anyway.

But what I realise is that, while for me, consenting to a hug and not wanting to tell someone I don’t want to hug them because it’ll be awkward is a difficult, what many women have to face is a lot more severe.

With the issue of consent, I see it as the patriarchal lesson I have been taught from birth that as a women whether I consent or not is not important because I am not heard. I know it’s a big one. So in my own way I am hoping to fight this sexist attitude and learn the lesson now.

I try and be as practical as I can when I write, so how am I going to do this: well, I’m pretty direct anyway but I am going to be more conscious and confident to say what I am okay with and what I am not.

For anyone else on the same wave length as me, please believe that if someone or something makes you uncomfortable you can be heard if you SAY SOMETHING!

It’s two sides of a coin so the same goes that if someone says tell you they are uncomfortable with something HEAR THEM!

Man or Woman Enough?

Have you ever been called very “feminine” or very “masculine”? Man or woman there are connotations that come along with each description. So for today’s post I wanted to talk about what that really means. Guys don’t switch off – what I’m writing about applies to both genders.

I have recently decided to change my look. I had long hair and now I don’t. Before I did this I was very worried about looking like a man. Sounds trivial maybe but I was genuinely concerned that I would be mistaken for a man. I cut my hair anyway and have since noticed many women who have short hair, and they look nowhere near like a man. They rock it!

I’ve been thinking about this more and realised that what I think it is to look like a man, was actually more about appearing to be more masculine.

So this can be confusing, but what I mean is that if you’re a man you’re a man and if you’re a woman you’re a woman – that is your gender. However, there are women and men who are feminine and there are women and men who are masculine. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about and have met people like this.

The more I thought about this the more I realised that what I generally perceive as feminine or masculine is more about particular features. So, feminine women are generally petite, have long hair, wear flowy, cute dresses and have a higher pitched voice. In the same way the masculine men in general are tall, have short hair, wear tailored clothing and have a lower pitched voice. Interestingly, the two are opposites.

If you know me, you know that the description I just gave of a feminine woman is not me, not even close. Yet, I still perceive myself to be feminine. I had a clash in my mind when I decided to cut my hair because I saw it as taking away from my feminine.

In hindsight, I realise that this was an unhelpful way to see the scale of feminine to masculine. Why, – because anyone can change at least some of these external features. However, this does not automatically mean that their femininity or masculine changes.

I did some research into this and read different perspectives some of which where really interesting. For example, in a Ted talk called “We need to restore femininity” I learnt about the idea that femininity and masculinity is more about being creative or logical. I don’t agree but it was interesting.

From my perspective, femininity and masculinity are more about society’s expectations and such concepts change over time. I thought about an example: say 200 years ago in Europe a man wearing tights would not be viewed as feminine. Today things are different and I know few men who would be comfortable in tights. Depending on the time, culture and context ideas of masculinity change and evolve.

Having read different views, I came to the conclusion that how masculine or femininity you are is more about your energy. In the sense that more sensitive and emotional energy can be perceived as feminine. A more masculine energy would be competitive and blunt.

So what does this have to be with feminism and or practically fighting patriarchal attitudes? Well, I think it is important for more and more people to challenge very rigid ideas of masculinity and femininity. I think this is important because doing so gives us the freedom have both feminine and masculine energy and be our true selves.

I know it may sounds very self-help(ish). But I say this with genuine belief and with heart.

Let me break it down a little. Society perceives that if a man uses expressive hand gestures he is more feminine and I know men who have been criticised for being like this. But have you ever asked why? It is based on sexist assumptions that a man being like what is associated with being a woman, is negative. I honestly I find this viewpoint untrue and unhelpful.

I am encouraged though, because there is a wider conversation going on about toxic ideas of masculinity and I think this is so important.

What can we do in practice? Give these societal views a healthy challenge and in your own mind and in conversation reject the idea that certain characteristic dictate whether you are feminine or masculine.

This is a renewed revelation to me to as honestly, I have judged people’s personalities based on how masculine or feminine they are and I have also most definitely judged myself.

This is something I am trying to do – acknowledge when I reinforce ideas of femininity or masculinity and I encourage you to do the same.

Open to a new perspective

So for today’s Feminist Friday Says #FFS, I am mixing things up and have a guest blog for you all in the form of a book review. A good friend of mine and fellow feminist has read the book Animal by Sara Pascoe. She had some really interesting thoughts that she put pen to paper to. Here is a little bit about her:

Her name is Jo Musker-Sherwood and she is the director of Hope for the Future, a climate change charity which seeks to find better ways of communicating with politicians. Jo lives in Sheffield close to the National Peak District which provides plenty of inspiration for her work. She also has a keen interest in mental health, creating things and the something more that connects us all.

Here is her review:

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From images of glow worms mistaking street lights for ‘massive, super-sexy lady glow worms’, to apple shaped body types which of course explain why women constantly roll off buses, Animal is laugh out loud funny. Usefully, it’s also packed full of facts perfect for light dinner conversation. Did you know that it takes sperm a whole ten minutes to swim the distance of a full stop?

Using genetics and evolution, disciplines pioneered by men, Pascoe attempts to reclaim women’s story through the ages to get a better understanding of where our gender may be headed- hopefully to a much brighter future. I can’t tell you whether it’s scientifically sound but I certainly felt I had learned masses about how humans, specifically women, evolved and why it’s important.

Animal broadly explores three questions; why do humans desire to partner for life, but rarely manage it? Why do women hate their bodies? Why is it so difficult to decide what consent is?

As a heterosexual, married and Christian woman, Pascoe’s argument for a more fluid evaluation of partnering up was a challenge for me. But I loved it because we could all do with a more down to earth perspective on what love is and why we feel it. The section on women’s bodies was familiar territory but well-argued and no less important. Predictably, the consent finale made for disturbing reading. At some point the book stops being funny and I’m shocked/ saddened/ maddened (again) by it all.

Mostly I wish so much that I’d read Animal in my mid-teens because Pascoe’s arguments exudes a confidence in the female body that is infectious. Occasionally, however, I wished I never, ever learned what I’d just read because I longed for it to have never happened in the first place. (Sara, if you ever read this please could release another version to run alongside which makes the book accessible for young teens too?)

There are a number of side arguments throughout the book which could have done with a more nuanced approach- Pascoe is not afraid to voice her blanket condemnation of plastic surgery and the naked FishLove campaign for example- but she does also acknowledge the dangers of sweeping statements which an almost inevitable flip side of covering so much ground. Throughout Animal I also wanted to add, ‘but there’s more to life than DNA!’ Surprisingly for me however, it is the evolutionary perspective that fills the book with hope in the end. Look how far humans have come. We are still evolving. This is an unfolding story and things can be different.

Pascoe finishes with an appeal to better exercise our empathy muscle and we get plenty of practice throughout the book to as she shares her own experiences with such honesty that at points it feels intrusive to read. But thank you Sara Pascoe! Because someone needed to say it and maybe we will all be slightly less alone and little bit more understanding as a result.

How can you have her back?

Over the last week I have been thinking about what it means to support those around me but in particular the women as we live in an unequal society. I’ve read about the importance of having a support system around you and how a support system can improve your ability to manage stress, improve your mental health and decrease the levels of anxiety.

I wrote a little while ago about how I think patriarchy has screwed women over by making us compete with each other in unhealthy ways. This post is a bit of a follow up because having a support system is great and that all makes so much sense to me. But I want to be able to support those around me I know and love definitely but also the women around me I see working hard to be acknowledge in their field of expertise and heard without excuse, context or a premise.

Where has this come from? Well, at work in my team the women are very supportive of each other. We are all very, very different. One is empathetic and very good at coming up with ideas, the other authoritative and strategic, I am honest, objective and get stuff done. We all have different strengths.

However, outside my team there are some women who clearly don’t like me. I was in a meeting a few weeks ago and when I presented an idea to improve our digital engagement the reaction I got was not positive.

It was clear that they were not convinced by my idea which is fair. But, instead of asking for clarification I was met by scoffs and tuts. A passive aggressive “everything is digital” was thrown in there too.

I hear friends joke about how work can be like being back at school, in this case it was.

So why am I telling you all this? Basically, I think that there are practical ways that as women we can have each other’s back – this if for the men too (but I find the women are the serial offenders).  Here are some ideas:

• Accept that you won’t be best friends with everyone but be friendly and respectful to all you come across. I find that even just saying “good morning” to everyone as you walk into the office can go a long way.
• Celebrate the success of the women around you and when something good happens to them say “congratulations”, “well done”, “I’m happy for you” – their success is not your demise.
• Be a leader and a team player. When it is your time to lead, lead with confidence. When it is not your time to lead, have your manager or leader’s back. If you have a validate point to raise think about mentioning it in a one-to-one setting.
•  Learn from the women around you and other people’s successes and failures. If someone has done what you’re doing, ask them about it. I have not met anyone who is not willing or open to give advice (weigh whether it is good or bad advice).
• Be a mentor or be mentored. Generational differences can be such an advantage because you can help those coming up behind you or get help from someone who is further up the professional ladder to you.

I feel like I may be stepping into glossy women’s magazine “top-tips” territory. But , the point is, I want to have your back and I want you to have mine. I think this is the case particularly at work, because gender inequality can often be the most visible at work. Let’s change that!