Why Hate the Angry Feminists

After the last blog I wrote, a friend said to me that while she can understand that feminism helps me to understand the world, for her it makes her angry because she can see how pervasive patriarchy is.

This got me thinking about the perception that a lot of people have of feminists. I asked some friends what their perception of feminists were and they said feminists are “shouty” and loud. They are “overbearing” and “preachy”. I did some superficial research and when you type in angry feminist into Google the results are very extreme. Images of the Russian rebels Pussy Riot and punks with colourful hair, who appear to hate authority and structure.

I’ll be honest, sometimes I can be an angry feminist but I’m not sure that is a bad thing. Let me explain why:

I had a conversation with some friends and I asked them why they are not feminists. They said, “because you guys are a lot.” I was surprised and asked what they meant. They said that for them feminism is only about promoting the rights of women and that they would call them an “equalist”.  You won’t be surprised to know what I explained that feminist is about equality between the genders but anyway, the conversation moved on to discuss how feminists are perceived.

The words they used to describe feminists was “aggressive”, “in your face”, “opinionated”. I was shocked and asked them if that is how they perceived me. They said no, not feminists like me but most.

I am in a fortunate position in that I have met many feminists and maybe I am biased but I would not perceive any of them to be this way. My experience is that women who openly claim to be feminists are articulate and are upstanding members of society.  I know this is a sweeping generalisation, but I have not met many of the “angry” one’s. I

do wonder why women being seen as feminists is so negative. Especially because when men are described in the exact same way the connotations are very different. I don’t know maybe I am the “angry” feminist and no one wanted to say it to my face? That aside, I feel like patriarchy has done a good job of tarnishing the name and image of a feminist.

I always want to be as practical as possible so I was reflecting on how I could have communicated the fact that feminists are not angry and aggressive and I came across the following examples:

1. It is unreasonable to see all feminists as angry or aggressive because it plays on a stereotype and is sexist. It like saying all black people are rough or “ghetto”. It’s racist and true.
2. Saying all feminists are angry is not based on fact because no universal survey has been done on all feminists asking them about their emotions and feelings to establish this. (To condescending – the irony that this may come across as angry!)
3. Having an emotion alongside is objectively not a bad thing. Anyone, in almost any context can be angry and hold a political or social view. You can have angry liberals or angry conservative, that’s not objectively a bad thing.
4. Even if you disagree and think all feminists are angry,  why is tat a bad thing? Women live in a world where they have been denied political, social, economic and religious power, why shouldn’t they be angry.

I don’t know if these are helpful for you but as over the years I have had conversations like these often I found it useful to spend the time to think about how I would respond.  Hopefully now I will be more prepared. I would love to know what your responses would be.

To end on a positive note, here are some of my favourite feminists for anyone to reference when dispelling the myth of the “angry” and “aggressive” feminist:

• Maya Angelou
• Bell hooks
• Malala Yousafzai
• Chimamanda ngozi adichie
• Roxane Gay
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• Angela Davis
• Coretta Scott King
• Yoko Ono

The Movement is Strong!

Do feminism and faith mix?

#FFS is back! Sorry guys, I’ve been MIA during the month of May. But it is June and I have been thinking about and sourcing some new content. Today I want to talk about how feminism and faith interact – disclaimer I do not speak for or represent all feminists of faith, obviously.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently and they asked me how I can be a Christian and a feminist. Funnily enough, I also had a parallel conversation where I was asked how I can be a feminist, when I was in church. What it made me realise is that for a lot of people the two are completely separate, mutually exclusive, oil and water. BUt even more so both labels per se have very strong associations (what can I say, I am a strong-minded person).

But in all seriousness, I have been thinking about how being a person of faith and being a feminist relate. The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because faith shapes many of our values, beliefs and how we live so I think it’s important to think about what the bible, qua-ran, Torah or Tripitaka say about women.

As a Christian I can only reference the Christian faith. I have often wondered how I can be a Christian and a feminist myself. Especially when I read 1 Tim. 2:11-12, 1 Cor. 14:34-35. These verses I’ll be honest I do not understand and they frustrate me. The feminist in me has a critical eye open and I am seeking to understand what they mean, how they are relevant and in what context they relevant. In truth, I cannot profess to have all the answers by any stretch.

In the same vein, I believe in the fundamental equality of human beings. Not the sameness but their equality and the beauty in that diversity. I sound like a hippie, I know but I kind of am one. I believe we all have an innate value and that our worth or capability is not dictated by our gender. That’s one of the reason I am a feminist and interestingly my faith informs those beliefs.

It’s complicated. And I have considered how feminism also interacts with cultural values and norms, how it may be relevant. I also thought about whether feminism is an unhelpful political construct. All that being said what I think is important is being able to trash out the concept of feminism. That way I can be confident that I have not blindly chosen to be a feminist but have made and continue to make an informed decision.

Is Feminism about choice?

In the last 2 weeks I have witnessed several Twitter discussion or wars rather, where the discussion relates to the choice that some women choose to make. Whether that be to focus on a career, get married and have children, be a stay at home mom or a working mom, it seems feminism is about the right to choose. This makes sense on one level but is also very simplistic. I did some research to see what other views were out there.

First Perspective: No, feminism is not about choice

The researcher and writer Meagan Tyler, is of the opinion that thinking about feminism in terms of choice is limited because it assumes that women have a lot more unmitigated freedom than exists in reality. She explains that these choices are shaped by the world around us and real choice can only come about in a “post-patriarchal world”.

Second Perspective: Why Feminism is about choice

The aspiring writer, Tori Shaw, breaks choice down to be; yes, it is okay to be a wife and yes, it is okay to have children and yes, it is okay to enjoy cooking and those things don’t take away from your feminist belief or perspective. She says that what is not okay is the expectation that one must be a domestic goddess because of your gender.

Maybe for you what feminism is and is not is not important and you see yourself as someone who believes in equality. That’s great! I don’t want to sound like a feminist evangelist but I feel like I am about to, so bear with me.

What does this have to do with me?

The reason I started thinking about this and think knowing whether feminism is about choice or not is important is because I think it challenges or supports the idea that women can have it all.

Some women won’t like me saying this but honestly I think the idea that we can have it all is an unhealthy perspective. Why? Because why are women expected be mom’s, career women, domestic goddesses, have every “i” dotted and every “t” crossed. Men don’t have these expectations. Granted they face the challenges of toxic masculinity but that’s another blog post for another time.

I think this unrealistic expectation is linked to the idea that feminism is about having or making a choice because there is the assumption that if you have more choices, you can make not just one, but many. It’s a lot.

I am also conscious of the fact that from where I stand, viewing feminism as a choice is unhelpful because it suggests that as a woman, when the world turns on you, it is not because of misogyny and sexism. It’s also not down to the pay gap, entrenched gender roles, women’s lack of representation in corporate companies and boards or in parliament, or because of an epidemic of violence against women. Instead it’s because you made the wrong choice – unhealthy no?

Maybe this is too much and you don’t agree? I am not saying you need to agree with me. The reason I wanted to write about this topic is because I am all about making an informed choice (see what I did there – irony). Knowing why you see feminism as a choice or not.

I used to see feminism as being about choice but don’t anymore because I started to feel that I should not have to choose and have either choice be judged by society. For example, when I’ve said I am considering focusing on my career and not children someone has said to me:

“Will you care about your career when you’re old and alone?”

On another occasion, I have said I wanted to have more than 4 children and the comment was:

“That would be the end of your career – and you have so much potential”

My issue with this is that when a man chooses to spend time with his children over his career, he is praised and when a man is ambitious and career driven, he is praised. Do you see where I am going with this? This is not the case for me and informs my view that feminism is not about choice.

Let me leave you with this – if feminism is about choice then have we been conditioned to accepted some choices over others?

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If you’ve read this far, thank you. I went a little ham on this post and yes, had a definitive opinion – but didn’t you know feminist’s were opinionated (that was a joke by the way). Everyone needs a little light comic relief when discussing such topics.

Do I have your permission?

For those well acquainted with my quirks and personality you know I am not a very affectionate person. I am not a hugger by any stretch but I understand the social convention of hugging friends, acquaintances and family at appropriate times. Don’t get me wrong I am devoid of all affection but I’m definitely not your touchy-feely type. It wasn’t anything personal against them, I just didn’t want to hug them.

So why am I sharing this with you. Well I have been in situations recently where I have not wanted to give someone a hug but felt obliged to. For example, you see someone you have not seen in a while and as a way to greet them you hug.

Over the years I have learnt that to refuse a hug is quite rude and most people don’t respond well to this. So I have been socialised to hug people even when I don’t want to as it causes less awkwardness.

It was something I had come to accept up until maybe a year ago when I started to read about consent. I know consent is a big topic and usually associated with sexual consent. But when you think about it consent is essentially asking for permission and does not just apply to bedroom activities. Don’t get me wrong it’s important in the bedroom but it does not end there.

Take the hug example, I have started with. No one would automatically think about this scenario and consent in the same breath. But what I am realising is that the biggest controversy around consent is that it is hard to prove. What I mean is how you know that someone has given you their consent?

I am not suggesting that we walk around asking for permission to do absolutely everything, because while this may be a solution it is impractical. But I think it is important to consider how you can give and check consent.

So for me in the hug scenario, what I realised is that, I am passively giving anyone I hug, but don’t want to hug, permission to hug me. I do this by not saying anything to them when they try and hug me.

As I have reflected on this I have realised that the only way for me to reinforce my right to consent is to say something. It’s simple I know but in practice can be awkward and uncomfortable. But the only way for someone to know that I am not okay to be hugged is for me to ask them not to.

The issue comes when I say that I don’t want to be hugged but am not heard. This is complex because how do I prove to anyone who was not there that I said I did not want to be hugged. It is my word against someone else’s.

I’m using the hugging example because I’ve experienced this with a hug but I’m sure you realise this can be applied to many different situations. Rape is one that I am sure comes to mind.

The reason I feel this relates to feminism is because in the “he said she said” stories often it is the men who are believed and the women who are not believed. Women in such cases are often blamed and they’re seen as “having drunk too much”, they were clearly “out for a good time” or the worst comment “a woman wearing [insert item of clothing] was clearly out for a good time”.

We are hopefully “woke” to the realities of privilege and in the “he said she said” cases male privilege wins almost every time.

Let me give you a recent example of this the news story: Irish rugby stars Paddy Jackson and Stuart Olding cleared of rape.

This whole debacle enraged me – to throw my opinion into the mix, because the whole case was biased. But alas, I won’t rant – well not on here anyway.

But what I realise is that, while for me, consenting to a hug and not wanting to tell someone I don’t want to hug them because it’ll be awkward is a difficult, what many women have to face is a lot more severe.

With the issue of consent, I see it as the patriarchal lesson I have been taught from birth that as a women whether I consent or not is not important because I am not heard. I know it’s a big one. So in my own way I am hoping to fight this sexist attitude and learn the lesson now.

I try and be as practical as I can when I write, so how am I going to do this: well, I’m pretty direct anyway but I am going to be more conscious and confident to say what I am okay with and what I am not.

For anyone else on the same wave length as me, please believe that if someone or something makes you uncomfortable you can be heard if you SAY SOMETHING!

It’s two sides of a coin so the same goes that if someone says tell you they are uncomfortable with something HEAR THEM!

Man or Woman Enough?

Have you ever been called very “feminine” or very “masculine”? Man or woman there are connotations that come along with each description. So for today’s post I wanted to talk about what that really means. Guys don’t switch off – what I’m writing about applies to both genders.

I have recently decided to change my look. I had long hair and now I don’t. Before I did this I was very worried about looking like a man. Sounds trivial maybe but I was genuinely concerned that I would be mistaken for a man. I cut my hair anyway and have since noticed many women who have short hair, and they look nowhere near like a man. They rock it!

I’ve been thinking about this more and realised that what I think it is to look like a man, was actually more about appearing to be more masculine.

So this can be confusing, but what I mean is that if you’re a man you’re a man and if you’re a woman you’re a woman – that is your gender. However, there are women and men who are feminine and there are women and men who are masculine. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about and have met people like this.

The more I thought about this the more I realised that what I generally perceive as feminine or masculine is more about particular features. So, feminine women are generally petite, have long hair, wear flowy, cute dresses and have a higher pitched voice. In the same way the masculine men in general are tall, have short hair, wear tailored clothing and have a lower pitched voice. Interestingly, the two are opposites.

If you know me, you know that the description I just gave of a feminine woman is not me, not even close. Yet, I still perceive myself to be feminine. I had a clash in my mind when I decided to cut my hair because I saw it as taking away from my feminine.

In hindsight, I realise that this was an unhelpful way to see the scale of feminine to masculine. Why, – because anyone can change at least some of these external features. However, this does not automatically mean that their femininity or masculine changes.

I did some research into this and read different perspectives some of which where really interesting. For example, in a Ted talk called “We need to restore femininity” I learnt about the idea that femininity and masculinity is more about being creative or logical. I don’t agree but it was interesting.

From my perspective, femininity and masculinity are more about society’s expectations and such concepts change over time. I thought about an example: say 200 years ago in Europe a man wearing tights would not be viewed as feminine. Today things are different and I know few men who would be comfortable in tights. Depending on the time, culture and context ideas of masculinity change and evolve.

Having read different views, I came to the conclusion that how masculine or femininity you are is more about your energy. In the sense that more sensitive and emotional energy can be perceived as feminine. A more masculine energy would be competitive and blunt.

So what does this have to be with feminism and or practically fighting patriarchal attitudes? Well, I think it is important for more and more people to challenge very rigid ideas of masculinity and femininity. I think this is important because doing so gives us the freedom have both feminine and masculine energy and be our true selves.

I know it may sounds very self-help(ish). But I say this with genuine belief and with heart.

Let me break it down a little. Society perceives that if a man uses expressive hand gestures he is more feminine and I know men who have been criticised for being like this. But have you ever asked why? It is based on sexist assumptions that a man being like what is associated with being a woman, is negative. I honestly I find this viewpoint untrue and unhelpful.

I am encouraged though, because there is a wider conversation going on about toxic ideas of masculinity and I think this is so important.

What can we do in practice? Give these societal views a healthy challenge and in your own mind and in conversation reject the idea that certain characteristic dictate whether you are feminine or masculine.

This is a renewed revelation to me to as honestly, I have judged people’s personalities based on how masculine or feminine they are and I have also most definitely judged myself.

This is something I am trying to do – acknowledge when I reinforce ideas of femininity or masculinity and I encourage you to do the same.